et alia laughing and weeping (tristissima) wrote,
et alia laughing and weeping
tristissima

Last night

Who just woke up at 2 in the morning with a sudden attack of the feeling like shit? Oh yeah, me. It's passed; I'm still awake. Grrr.

***

You know how people will say shit to you on the street and you're normally all like "Pfft, whatever, I'm a sexy ass queer goddess/god thing and you're just some bullshit bigot" but sometimes they say it at just the wrong time with the just the wrong wording and tone and it sneaks right past all your armour and your pride and just stabs you in the tender parts?

Yeah, I've been dealing with the consequences of that all weekend. It's not been terribly pretty inside my head these past few days.

***

There's this thing that happens right after the crisis portion of my time of emotion or whatever that I might call the "splintering of life". It's an emotion I've never heard anyone discuss. Suddenly, I can't seem to make the parts of my life fit together. Just now, having stopped crying for some time (maybe an hour), I thought of high school and I couldn't find the thread that linked high school me and current me. I mean, I have that person's memories so we must be the same person, but I have trouble during the splintering of life seeing how. How is that person connected to this person? How did e become me? I have no idea.

And then that often had its own process. Which can serve as a distraction from the other process. I'd that why you do this, mind? To distract me from the pain or whatever?

And I wonder sometimes if this isn't similar to the dissociation some of my system friends experience. It has been suggested that I am numberqueer, or a median, or an individuated one - with the multiplicity of a system, but not the dissociation.

(all copypasta'd from Facebook because it seems like it would be useful to tell my LJ friends what's been going on in my head, too)
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